A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1. You can’t count your hair.
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Something for seniors to do to keep those “aging” grey cells active!
1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April, the second child was named May.
….What was the third child’s name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
…..What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
….what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole?
….that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language
….is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
…..How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
8. What was the President’s name
9. If you were running a race,
….and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say,
… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
…..how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny of course
3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn ‘t discovered yet.
4. There is no dirt in a hole.
6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on … ]
9. You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9. You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person & everyone does it too.
10. You are probably going to see who else falls for it.
Your eyes are fooling you! Is the devil fooling you too?
At first glance, these two blocks probably appear to be two contrasting colors. One looks grey, the other looks white. But, in reality, the two blocks are the exact same color.
You can reveal the illusion by placing your finger over the seam where the two blocks meet in the middle.
Your eyes are fooling you! Is the devil fooling you too? In this image, the top and bottom look different but are the same. The devil tries to look the same but is completely different. He is an imitator. He has an imitation Bible, imitation teachers and preachers, imitation followers, imitation music, an imitation gospel, imitation churches, imitation spirit and even appears as an angel of light. ARE YOU BEING FOOLED?
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?” “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister. Presently, it was returned to him…embarrassingly empty. Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then, raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, “I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.”A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked,”Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill!”
Might be a Southern Baptist…
…if you think God’s presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
…if you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
…if you think “Amazing Grace” is the national anthem.
…if the first complete sentence you uttered was “We’ve never done it this way before.”
…if you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
…if your definition of “fellowship” has something to do with food.
…if you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.
…if you honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English
…if you think worship service music has to be loud.
…if you think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.
…if you think preachers who wear robes are in Cahoots with the communists.
…if you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service.
And finally, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach, you might be a Southern Baptist.
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together during church services. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. ‘You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.’ ‘Why? Who’s going to stop me?’ Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, ‘See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.’
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign…
“Energy-efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
Hymns for people over 50
Give Me the Old Timers Religion
Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked The Car
Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
I don’t want to go to church
A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, “I’m not going!”
“Why not?” asked his mother.
“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me. Two, I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you’re 47 years old. Two, you’re the pastor!”
Does God exist?
A college student was in Philosophy class, where a class discussion about whether or not God exists was in progress.
The professor had the following logic: “Has anyone in this class seen God?” Nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class ever heard God?”
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God!”
One of the students did not like the sound of this, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?” he asked.
One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
“Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one you have chosen.”
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
A young boy had just got his driver’s license and asked
his Dad if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son.
“If you bring your grades up from C to B, study your Bible
and get your hair cut,…then we’ll talk about you borrowing the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle
for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, his Father said,
“Son, I’m really proud of you. You’ve brought your grades up,
and I’ve been watching you studying your Bible.
However, I’m a bit disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The lad paused a moment, then said,
“You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed
in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s a
a strong argument that Jesus had long hair too.”
To which his father replied,
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”